Technophobia
by Emerald707
Summary: In which, the Akatsuki have a new feature installed in the hideout - and Hidan does not appreciate it. Crack!fic. Unlikely to be updated.
1. Strange Noises

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**Technophobia**

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**Summery: In which, the Akatsuki have a new feature installed in the hideout - which causes fear and confusion in the members - and Hidan does not appreciate it. HidaKaku Yaoi. Crack!fic.**

**Disclaimer: I do own the characters of Akatsuki - I lost them on ebay fair and square. Please resist the ever yeilding desire to sue.**

**A/N: Hey there. This a very belated christmas/new years gift to my sister, who has been waiting for me to post it for a while now, and I was finally able to finish it. Dedicated to: Vampyress-Freak6. I hope you like it. **

**To those of my lovely readers who are awaiting my update for Clay and Puppets - I appologise that I am taking so long, and will continue soon.**

**Anywho, this will be a little three part story - Kakuzu and Hidan yaoi, with all the obvious sidepairings. I've had this idea for a while, and I hope it worked out. This chap is quite short also, but the other two will be longer. **

**Enjoy.**

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_Technophobia: Abnormal fear of or anxiety about the effects of new technology. (ex. Computers, cars, telephones).  
_

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**Part 1/3:**

**Strange Noises**

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"Wow..." Deidara breathed, the blonde's voice quiet and amazed, as he stared at the strange object in front of him, his tone giving way to the obvious awe he felt. 

"It's so... beautiful!" Tobi cried, tears springing to the young man's eyes as he was overwhelmed by the feeling of great wonder the object in front of him induced.

"Wha' do we do with it?" Kisame asked, his large blue eyes wide in cautious appreciation, leaning closer to the object to inspect its many features, his mind whirring over the many purposes the object could perform.

Itachi shook his head as he stood next to his partner, fixing a firm and intimidating glare on the object as he took a step backwards away from it. "I don't like it."

"Hn." Sasori kept a firm hold on Deidara's hand, feeling himself agree with the Uchiha as he kept an eye on his younger partner, restraining the youth from touching the object - should it decide to jump out and attack the blonde.

"We cannot see the need for it." Zetsu's double-toned voice put in, he himself feeling rather disillusioned with the supposedly 'new age' gadget that had been installed on their kitchen wall.

Hidan stood perfectly still, ridged and apprehensive as he merely stared at the object - for once not accompanying any thoughts of his with swear words and praises of Jashin - as his wide eyes betrayed nothing of the gripping fear that held his mind.

"Stop complaining, the lot of you!" Kakuzu yelled over the top of them then, giving a haughty glare to general room as they all turned to look at him. "Sir Leader ordered we have one, and it was damn expensive to get, so we'll all just have to live with it!"

They all jumped then, alarm rising within them suddenly, as the object made a strange and frightening noise -

**-Ring, Ring- -Ring, Ring-**

They all stilled - Deidara having jumped into Sasori's arms when he had feared the object would leap out at him, Itachi glaring at the object to stop making that annoying ringing noise from where he hid behind Kisame, while Tobi had burst out crying.

"What do we do?!" Kisame panicked, using one arm to hold Itachi behind him protectively as he suddenly felt the need to flee the shaking, ringing object.

"I... I don't know!" Deidara cried dramatically from where Sasori held him.

"Save me, Zetsu-sempai!" Tobi wailed, as he flung his arms around the indifferent plant man.

"Oh, for Kami's sake." Kakuzu grumbled as he stepped forward, many of the members gasping in fear as he took hold of the object's handle and lifted it from the base of where it was nailed to the wall, "Get a hold of yourselves, you're supposed to be S-Class criminals!" He scolded them, before holding the receiver to his ear, "Hello?"

The room was still, all watching their fellow Akatsuki member as he seemed to be... speaking to the object! Could he perhaps understand its language? Was it giving them orders? Was the object their new leader?

"No, we don't want a premium package!" Kakuzu suddenly yelled, and to the confusion of the other startled and fearful Akatsuki members, slammed the object back onto its receiver.

A gasp resounded about the kitchen, as everyone's eyes widened accusingly.

"W-why did you do that, un?!" Deidara asked frantically, on the brink of tears in his fear.

"Oh, now you've just angered it!" Kisame scolded, looking to the now-still fixture apologetically.

Kakuzu rolled his eyes, "It's just a telephone!" He yelled, now thoroughly fed up with his companions' ignorance of the technology.

It was then that they all heard the strange sound that seemed to be filling the room - a gasping, wheezing noise - and proceeded to look about in confusion.

"What the hell is that?" Sasori asked, raising one delicate eyebrow in question as they sought out the noise - all of them instantly looking to the telephone (it had, as of late, seemed to be the source of strange noises) but found it not to be the culprit.

It was then that they all turned to see not what, but _who_ was making the strange gasping sound -

Hidan stood still in the kitchen, his eyes wide with fear, as he gasped and wheezed for air - his lungs closing up in horror - the stress on his mind too much...

"Hidan!" Kisame yelled then, the blue man walking over to the Jashinist imploringly, as many other voices began talking to the immortal.

The silver-haired man in question vaguely registered that Deidara seemed to be clasping his arm, while Itachi had slapped him in the face - all of which did nothing for his condition, as his mind seemed to be closing down...

The last thing Hidan heard was Kakuzu - as the man walked over, shaking his partner harshly by the shoulders, and yelling;

"Breathe, you fucking idiot!"

Before he fainted.

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** A/N: There we are. I hope you all enjoyed that little first part. The other two will be longer and will focus on Kakuzu and Hidan - I promise! This was a kind of set-up for the rest of the fic.**

**Anyway, any feedback is welcome and appreciated. **

**Until the second part!**

**-Emerald- **


	2. Ridiculous

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**Technophobia**

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**Summery: In which, the Akatsuki have a new feature installed in the hideout - which causes fear and confusion in the members - and Hidan does not appreciate it. HidaKaku Yaoi. Crack!fic.**

**Disclaimer: Your mama's so fat, even Naruto doesn't believe it.**

**A/N: Hey there. Sorry for the really long wait on an update, but I'm finally getting around to it. I hope you like this second part, and the third will be coming along soon as well. **

**Enjoy!**

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**Part 2/3: **

**Ridiculous**

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The man awoke with a start, bolting upright in his bed, heart hammering against his ribs as he gazed with wide eyes around the room he lay in. After a moment of tense silence, only broken by the sounds of his harsh breathing and the pounding in his chest, Hidan sighed in relief. He was in his bedroom, it was morning, and he was alone.

"It was just a dream..." He breathed, raising a hand to rub at his hair sleepily. "Just an awful dream..."

Suddenly then, the adjacent door to the bathroom burst open roughly, and Hidan's eyes flashed over to see Kakuzu standing in the doorway, wiping his hands on a towel.

"Rise and shine, idiot." The stitched-nin stated blandly, as he walked through to his own bed, picking up his face mask as he did. Adjusting the mask over his features then, Kakuzu gazed tentatively over the Jashinist. "It's about time you woke up, after that mishap yesterday."

Hidan was taken aback, "What do you mean, bastard?"

Kakuzu gave the silver-haired man a bored look. "I mean, how you _fainted_ after hearing a phone ring, you imbecile." The man rolled his eyes exasperatedly, muttering to himself; "You'd think an S-Class wanted missing-nin from a criminal organisation would handle this a little better."

The Jashinist stopped still, suddenly overtaken by a sense of panic, as he stared with wide eyes at the stitched man - recollection of the day before suddenly flooding his mind. "You... you mean..." He hesitated for a moment, before asking meekly; "That... _thing_ is really out there?"

"The _phone?_" Kakuzu asked incredulously, raising an eyebrow at the silver-haired man.

Hidan shook his head emphatically in despair, his face set in an expression of pure fear - before he seemed to have a revelation, and muttered to himself; "I can't ever leave the bedroom..."

"_What?_" The stitched-nin asked with disbelief, staring at his partner as the man seemed to be overtaken by hysteria. "You can not tell me that you are genuinely afraid of the telephone!"

Hidan didn't seem to hear him though, as the Jashinist got out of his bed and began pacing around the room, muttering reassuringly to himself under his breath. "I'll just get some food, yeah, and a waterbottle... and then I never have to leave the room again... it'll all work out..."

Kakuzu stared at his partner for one long moment, before he frowned and deadpanned; "Right. Well, I'm going to get some breakfast now, and you are coming with me." And at the doubtful look he received from the Jashinist, he added with a deadly tone; "Even if I have to _drag _you there."

Stopping his pacing to face the stitched-nin, Hidan scowled in response. "You wouldn't _dare_." He challenged.

Needless to say, ten minutes later - after a_ lot_ of kicking a screaming from the Jashinist as he was hoisted over his partner's shoulder and carried out of their bedroom - Hidan and Kakuzu sat quite pleasantly at the kitchen table.

The silver-haired man continued to grumble under his breath as he ate the cereal placed in front of him, shooting a glare at Kakuzu ever few minutes (who subsequently ignored him), all while resisting the temptation to let his gaze wander to the far corner of the room - where the dreaded and greatly feared telephone of the Akatsuki hideout lay dormant against the rock wall.

Before long, the Kakuzu felt himself nudged, and slid his eyes away from his food to see the youngest member of the Akatsuki gazing to him curiously.

"What's Hidan's problem, un?" Deidara whispered, rather too loudly for Hidan to ignore, as the Jashinist sent a glare his way.

Kakuzu shook his head slightly, his expression bored. "He's afraid of the telephone, and I won't let him live out his days locked in our bedroom."

Hidan heaved a regretful sigh at that. "What an easy life it would be..." He lamented, "Sure, I'd have to fight off the rats that would eat me in my sleep, and no doubt the voices and hallucinations would leave me forever mentally scared, but it would all be worth it..."

Across the table, Sasori raised an eyebrow, looking to Kakuzu questioningly.

The stitched-nin simply shrugged in response. "Man knows what he wants."

Heavy footsteps echoed down the hallway then, as a moment later, a large blue shark-man stood in the hallway. Coincidentally, it was Kisame.

"Hey guys!" The jovial man grinned at them all cheerfully, as he came to take his place at the kitchen table. "What's goin' on?"

Sasori looked to Kisame disinterestedly, as he informed the other man; "We're trying to eat breakfast, Sir Leader has sent Tobi and Zetsu on a mission, and Hidan is afraid of the telephone." The redheaded man rose his coffee cup in a mocking salute. "Another typical day in Akatsuki."

Kisame gazed over to Hidan in surprise. "Your _still _worked up over the phone?"

The Jashinist sent the blue man a scathing glare, "And weren't you the one who was screeching at the sight of it the other day?" Hidan pitched his tone lower, putting a slur to his voice as he then imitated the shark-nin; "Oh, it's a ringin'! Wha' do we do nawww?!"

Kisame's expression was utterly serious as he turned his chin up to the silver-haired man, and replied with great dignity, "Laugh all ya want. The phone's nothing to be afraid of," The blue man leaned closer to Hidan as he told him in a whisper, "It might be a great and vengeful leader, but it is merciful, if you treat it with respect." Kisame then proceeded to smile obediently at the telephone before he turned to pour himself some breakfast.

After a moment of pleasant normality then, during which the members could enjoy the peace of the morning - a strange noise suddenly filled the air... Like a distant nightmare it rose, the dreaded familiarity of it reminiscent of a temporarily forgotten horror. All of the members turned slowly, reluctantly in their seats, to face the location of the noise where all of their anxiety was currently focused - the high-pitched riot of the telephone rising like a siren to fill the quiet of the kitchen.

**-Ring, Ring- -Ring, Ring-**

Deidara's hand instinctually clutched Sasori's arm in fear, as the redheaded spoke aloud;

"Shouldn't someone... stop it's screaming?"

Hidan shook his head slowly, eyes wide and fearful, as he sat in paralysis at the table. "_I'm_ not going near it!" He muttered fiercely.

Kakuzu frowned, his expression irritated now as he looked to his partner. "That's it." He announced, quite fed up with whole issue, "Hidan,_ you_ are answering the phone."

The Jashinist's head whipped around to face the stitched-man, absolute panic written across his face, "I am not!" He replied indignantly.

"You are." Kakuzu replied in a dangerously low tone, "Stop being a little girl. It's just a telephone, and you need to get over this stupid fear."

Hidan pointed across the table at Deidara, "Why doesn't the blondie have to do it? He's afraid as well!"

"Am not, un!" The boy cried in response, as he clung tighter to his partner.

"Are too!"

"Be quiet!" Kisame shouted then, "Itachi's sleeping!"

"Who the _fuck_ cares?" Hidan sneered, "I'm not doing anything that involves me touching that wall-monster! And Deidara's _ten_ times more afraid than I am!"

"No I'm not, un!" The blonde boy yelled angrily, before turning to his partner with wide, pleading eyes. "Am I, Danna?"

"Hn." Sasori replied, before glaring over at the Jashinist. "Just answer the phone, Hidina."

The silver-haired man raised an eyebrow at that. "What the fuck, Hidina?" He asked with a sneer, "My name's _Hidan_, you stupid puppet!"

"Oh, is it?" Sasori asked casually, as he picked at his fingernails. "That's not a very good name for a little girl."

"Fuck you, you bastard!" Hidan screeched, standing up abruptly in his outrage and disturbing the table's balance as he knocked over his own glass of milk.

**-Ring, Ring- -Ring, Ring-**

"Hidan!" Kakuzu ordered sternly then, "This is ridiculous! Just answer the fucking phone!"

"YOU ANSWER THE SHITTING PHONE!"

"Why is everyone yelling, un?!"

"I hate you all. _Every last one of you_."

"SHUT UP! Itachi is sleeping!"

"Hn. Bastards."

The yelling continued to grow louder, the Akatsuki members' voices reverberating in the cavernous room as they all stood from their seats at the kitchen table, breakfasts quite forgotten as they shouted with increasing volume at each other.

Itachi yawned tiredly, as he walked slowly down the hallway to the main room, his thoughts muddled from sleep. Coming to stand in the entrance to the kitchen, the Uchiha blinked in surprise then, as he saw the room in an uproar. The phone was ringing relentlessly, as Deidara was covering his ears and singing the words to 'You Are My Sunshine' as loudly as he could, Sasori was glaring scathingly around the kitchen table, Kakuzu shouting at Hidan to stop being a child, while Hidan himself was throwing plates and utensils at his companions, and Kisame was pleading with them all to be quiet.

The yelling reached a crescendo, as the ringing of the phone was now drowned out by the pandemonium in the Akatsuki main room kitchen, before-

"Hello?" A soft voice asked quietly.

The entire group of members turned suddenly, their yelling dying away as the ringing of the phone was suddenly alleviated, and they saw Itachi standing at the far wall of the kitchen - the telephone in his hand.

"He is not here. Do you have a message?" The Uchiha hummed obligingly as he quickly wrote something down on a notepad, before replacing the phone on it's receiver.

The members stared in shock at Itachi, as he dark-haired man turned to face them with a bored expression on his face.

After a moment of silence, the Uchiha shrugged. "None of you were answering it." He stated. "Was for Zetsu, anyway." He answered simply, before walking through to the fridge to get his own breakfast, completely unaffected.

The group of men at the table stared at each other in turn, slight embarrassment on their features, before they all sat down once again and resumed the morning with as much normality as they could muster.

Sending a determined look to his partner, Kakuzu watched how Hidan sighed with relief - and the stitched-nin resolved that he would end the Jashinist's foolishness. He would get the silver-haired man to answer the phone.

All he needed was a plan...

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The day started off normally enough; performing bloody rituals and watching TV, without any interruptions from his pestering partner - and it had been an entire day since any mention of the monstrosity attached to the kitchen wall.

Indeed, Hidan thought to himself with a smirk, it seemed the issue of the telephone had finally been dropped. Now he needed only to avoid the screaming object for the rest of his life...

Laying down on the couch, the Jashinist sighed happily to himself. All was tranquil within the hideout - Deidara and Sasori were out 'scouting the forest' (which, of course, meant they were on a date in the nearby township), while Itachi and Kisame were on a mission, and Tobi had gone with Zetsu to Sir Leader's chamber. For the first time in months, Hidan could enjoy some peace and quiet.

Or that least he had thought so.

**-Ring, Ring- -Ring, Ring-**

The Jashinist sat up in a flash, his eyes widening with horror as he gazed towards the kitchen wall. It couldn't be...

No, the wall-monster had been so happy all day! It hadn't made a single noise! And he had been so very _careful_ not to stray near it or try to provoke it in any way - hell, he had even left a glass of water there for it, so that incase it became thirsty, it would remain quiet!

And now...

**-Ring, Ring- -Ring, Ring-**

Hidan panicked. Giving a shout of fright, the man fell to the floor roughly - giving a moan of pain then, he scrambled back onto the couch, gazing out from behind it to the kitchen wall where the telephone was ringing.

What was he to do? The Jashinist was paralyzed with fear once again, as he realised a chilling fact - he was the only one there.

Who was going to answer the phone? He thought with horror.

**-Ring, Ring- -Ring, Ring-**

Maybe it would stop. If he just left it alone, let it get over it's tantrum and calm down again - maybe Hidan wouldn't have to touch it after all. He certainly wasn't going to move, no sudden movements...

But, wait. What if not answering it angered it further? What if, because he isn't placating it, the phone decides to come get him in his sleep? _What if it haunts his dreams?_

Giving a pitiful cry, Hidan ducked his head and covered his ears in a desperate plea to end the noise - but the siren reverberated in his mind, never-ending, and the Jashinist felt sure he would be driven mad by the sound...

Off in a dark corner of the kitchen, Kakuzu sighed. The idiot was just sitting there covering his ears! He was_ supposed_ to answer it! The stitched-nin hadn't sent Sasori and Deidara out of the hideout for nothing - he was going to make sure this plan was successful in getting Hidan to talk on that telephone!

Heaving a sigh, Kakuzu stepped forward out of his dark corner as naturally as he could, and waved placatingly over to the distraught Jashinist.

"Settle down, I'll get it." He told the man, who looked to him with wide, thankful eyes, as he grumbled to himself. "Idiot."

Watching from behind the couch, Hidan held his breath as his partner came to stand before the shaking, ringing telephone - Kakuzu reaching out a hand easily as he clutched the wall-monster by the neck, and brought it's face to his ear.

"Yeah?" The stitched-nin asked casually. Turning to face Hidan as he spoke into the phone, retraining himself from grimacing at the disgustingly fearful look in the Jashinist's expression.

_"Kakuzu?"_ A familiar voice drifted through the telephone to Kakuzu, sounding surprised to hear the stitched man's voice. _"You better not have made us call for nothing!"_

"What's that you say?" Kakuzu asked stoically, as his eyes flickered to his partner's. "You want to talk to Hidan?"

The terror that overcame the Jashinist then was made obvious, as the man shook his head frantically in the negative - he was _not_ going to touch that thing!

Kakuzu gave Hidan a fierce glare, willing him to comply. "Hidan, there's someone on the phone for you."

"I don't care." The Jashinist replied, scowling from behind the couch at the stitched-nin. "Take a message."

Kakuzu frowned, determined. "I'm not going to take a message when your right over _there_."

Hidan turned his chin up at the other man. "I'm not doing it."

_"'Kuzu?"_ The voice called through the phone again, though the stitched-nin paid it no attention._ "Oy, we are on a mission here, ya know! Is he coming to the phone or not?"_

"Hidan!" Kakuzu shouted, anger edging his voice now, "Come to the fucking phone! Someone wants to talk to you, no doubt for the first time in your whole crappy life, you dumbass!"

"_Fuck you!_" The Jashinist screeched, his hands clutching at the couch as he held fast to his hiding place. "You just want the wall-monster to eat me!"

"I wish it_ would_ fucking eat you, you useless-"

_"Hello?" _The voice called impatiently,_ "Just tell him it's... ah, the dango delivery man!"_ Another voice could be heard faintly though the phone then, asking _'Dango? Where?'_, before the upbeat voice told Kakuzu confidently; _"Yeah, and if he wants to get free dango, he has to come to the phone right now!"_

Of course, of out that sentence, it was the word 'free' that drew the stitched-nin's attention away from his current feuding with Hidan, but as he replayed the sentence in his mind, he asked quietly into the phone;

"Why the hell would a dango delivery man call for Hidan randomly?"

The voice on the phone sighed exasperatedly, _"I don't know! What does it matter?"_

Kakuzu turned with a blank expression on his face, and told the still fuming Hidan in a deadpan; "It's the dango delivery man. If you want free dango, come to the phone."

The Jashinist was confused for a moment, before he raised an eyebrow at his partner incredulously. "What the fuck? That's the worst lie I've ever heard!"

Kakuzu nodded understandingly, before he turned slightly and told the voice in the phone predictably; "He didn't buy it."

_"Yeah, well, this wasn't my idea." _The voice answered grumpily, _"We've got our own problems over here, ya know. I barely got any sleep last night, and a homeless person stole our shoes-"_

"Yeah, yeah." Kakuzu waved away the pointless drabble, "We still need to get Hidan on the phone!"

Hidan's voice behind him shouted loudly, as though to reiterate his stance; "I'm not going near that thing!"

Kakuzu heard static and shuffling come through the phone then, and he frowned as he waited, hearing some talking in the background, before a new voice spoke through the receiver to him.

"Kakuzu." The new voice greeted him with obvious displeasure, "Kisame and I are hanging up now. You have already upset him, and I will be speaking with you when we return."

And that was that, as the dial tone was all that met the stitched-nin's ears. Sighing, Kakuzu replaced the telephone to the wall, and turned to Hidan with a deep frown.

The Jashinist, though, seemed quite unconcerned as he was overcome with relief, and didn't react at all to Kakuzu's glaring, as he settled back down on the couch happily - pleased that he had once again avoided the horror of the telephone.

Kakuzu continued to frown disappointedly. His plan had failed miserably, he was out of ideas, and Itachi was going to tell him off for being mean to Kisame when they got home. With an irritated sigh, the stitched-nin walked back down the hallway to he and his partner's room, thinking over what he should do next. He wouldn't give up, the man told himself - there was still hope, the Jashinist's technophobia _would _be cured.

He would convince Hidan to get over his fear of the telephone, no matter what it took.

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**A/N: Hoorah. This is the most I've ever written about Kakuzu and Hidan, considering I don't really focus on them in my other Akatsuki stories. Well, I hope you all are enjoying it!**

**The third part of this will be the real yaoi - as it will be fluffy and all that jazz. Review for me and I shall go about updating as fast as I can!**

**Peace.**

**-Emerald-**


End file.
